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You finally Know You Are a Witch When The Charge Of The Caffeine Goddess Your Neighbor is a Witch If... Murphy’s Law For Witches Misc. Oneliners Facebook Humor
You finally Know You Are a Witch When... 1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews. 2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not THE broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?" 3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard. 4. Neighborhood cats commune in your front yard. 5. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes. 6. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift. 7. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha' s mother Endora. 8. You've actually tried to twitch your nose to add emphasis to your spell work. 9. When traveling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems. 10. You swear in the plural. 11. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store. 12. Whenever someone sneezes you say "Goddess Bless." 13. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday. 14. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet". The Charge Of The Caffeine Goddess (Just for fun) Say: Listen to the words of the Great Mother, She who of old was called among men Savarin, Nescafe, Folgers Crystals and so many other names... Whenever ye have need of wakefulness, at least once in the day, and better it be when the Sun is rising, then ye shall assemble in your kitchens and adore the essence of Me who am Queen of all Beverages. There ye shall assemble, ye who are fain to gain awakening, yet have not won open eyes, to these I will teach things that are yet unknown. And ye shall be free from coherence; and as a sign that ye be truly free, ye shall be yawning in your rites; and ye shall read the morning paper, make bacon and eggs, and drive to work, all in My praise. For Mine is the ecstasy of the awakened, and Mine also is joy on earth; for My law is sleeplessness unto all beings. Keep clean your mug; let naught float upon its surface and so turn your stomach. For Mine is the secret door which opens upon the land of coherence, and Mine is the cup of the Elixir of Life, and the Cauldron of Caffeine, which is the Holy Grail of Insomnia. I am the Gracious Goddess, who gives the gift of wakefulness unto the mind of man. Upon awakening, I give the knowledge of the caffeine high eternal, and beyond morning, I give peace, and warmth, and tolerance of those with whom ye must interact. Nor do I demand aught of Saccharin; for Behold! I am the Mother of all Stimulants, and My love is poured out into your mug. Your Neighbor is a Witch If... 50 Sure Fire Ways to Detect Paganism 1. Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day. I mean, re-cycling and composting is fine, but you can take it too far. 2. You casually ask what phase the Moon is in, and she tells you down to the exact number of days, hour and minute of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination. 3. All the stray cats in the neighborhood tend to congregate in her garden (and use your own as their litter). 4 A screech owl has chosen the lamp-post outside her house as its favorite calling-post. That's just when it's getting warm at night and you like to sleep with the window open. 5. Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden; in fact it looks more like she's cultivating them. Needless to say, you get the seeds wafting over onto your pristine lawn. 6. Most of her clothes on the washing line are black. 7. The local kids talk in whispers as they go past her house, then start running at the last moment. 8. Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the incident when the kids' costumes were less scary than hers when she opened the door to them. (She was embracing the Crone that year no doubt!) 9. Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been pruned down. I swear it's true! 10. She can't even make a simple sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it. And don't ask her for a cup of tea unless you want something yellow coloured and smelling of flowers. 11. She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is and she confides that she returns it to sender after writing something on in strange curly writing. 12. When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already on. 13. The Jehovah's Witnesses never call (not anymore; not after the last time :-). 14. Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent. 15. Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't seen that bothersome double-glazing salesman around for a while). 16. She's always smiling, darn her! 17. She goes dressed as normal to a Halloween fancy dress party; and wins first prize. 18. Her house always smells of incense. 19. Has named her four cats Hecate, Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam. (Or her rats Devon and Cornwall) 20. Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads". 21. Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies after analysis. 22. At Christmas, it seems like half the garden has been moved into the house. 23. You sometimes hear the sound of singing and dancing through the wall. If you look out of the window, it is usually a full moon. 24. She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday. And she plays it at midnight in the fields. And she's got a blasted tambourine. 25. You discover that her realistic resin skull ornament in her living room, actually is real. 26. You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes. 27. She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening. And bat ear-rings for goodness-sake. 28. You knock on her door and she answers it naked except for a toweling robe. You apologize for disturbing her in the bath, but notice that her hair isn't wet. 29. Irritating tendency to hum a lot. What's she got to be so happy about, huh? 30. She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden. That can't be natural. 31. Never catches a cold, even though she walks barefoot most of the time. In the snow as well. 32. Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that suddenly appear from the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath. 33. She listens to what you are saying like she really cares. 34. She has lots of female friends who come round every few months. When you ask what they get up to, she tells you that they just have cakes and ale and a good natter. 35. You catch her hugging a tree. 36. Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns. 37. She has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gem wholesaler. 38. You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he walks past her house. 39. She never watches television. And she has shelves full of books with black spines and silver-lettered titles. 40. To your certain knowledge she has never set foot in the local church. In fact, you have heard rumors that she has been barred from it. 41. She makes jars of quince and mandrake relish for the Women's Institute coffee morning jumble sale. 42. You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge evening, and there are 78 in the pack. 43. You have never known her to visit her GP. 44. When you talk with her, she maintains eye contact all the time. 45. Expectant mothers are forever visiting her. Also women who become expectant mothers a month after visiting her. 46. You ask her for suggestions for nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of stone circles and strange earth mounds. 47. She only buys organic. And you just bet that she's a vegetarian as well. (Well, maybe not strictly vegetarian....) 48. When you ask her about her vacation plans, she tells you she will be camping in a tee-pee in the Brecon Beacons. 49. There aren't any mirrors in her house. Or clocks. 50. She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins Witches' Voice, and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her front door. Murphy’s Law For Witches No spell is as easy as it looks. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a spell can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. Every spell performed to solve a problem will breed new problems. Mother Nature is sometimes a bitch. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong; and anything that cannot possibly go wrong will also go wrong. No matter what the result of a spell, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. (c) believe that it happened as a result of his own work. Once a Ritual is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Everyone has a favorite ritual or spell that will not work. As soon as you mention something … if it’s good, it goes away; if it’s bad it happens. If a spell requires ‘x amount’ of materials, then immediately before beginning, you will discover that you only possess ‘x amount-1' materials. In any formula, it will be discovered that the required amounts have been forgotten. No books are lost by lending except those you particularly want to keep. If you miss an issue of a newsletter, it will be the issue that concludes the article or ritual that you are most anxious to read. When your familiar has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. If you drop your Athame during a rite, you will discover that you are no longer able to move your right foot. The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it’s stranger than we can imagine. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. For every vision of the Goddess, there is an equal and opposite vision that negates your own vision. If you are early to a meeting, it will be Canceled … if you are on time, it will be late. If you are late, it will have started early. The more complicated and grandiose the ritual, the greater the chance that it will fail. The more carefully you plan a ritual, the more you will resist admitting that it failed. When a lazy witch gets into trouble due to his ignoring the facts, he will imagine that his failures are caused by another’s curse. The best and most effective rituals occur when you are home with the flu. You always hear about the need for a ritual or spell after that need ends. When all else fails, consult your Book of Shadows. Misc. Oneliners Where do Snowmen dance? ~ At the snowball When are stairs rude? ~ When they stare Why wasn't the window cool? ~ They didn't have any shades What is a trombone's favorite thing to do on the playground? Slide Why can't elephants forget? ~ He has a trunk full of memories How does a flower get a boat across a lake? ~ It Rose How do you wrap a cloud? ~ With a rainbow Where does a dog sleep? ~ In a pup tent What kind of music sticks with you? ~ Taped music Where should you put tired groceries? ~ In a sleeping bag Why couldn't the strings ever win? ~ They could only tie How do you get a talkative shirt to be quiet? ~ Button it up What kind of medicine did the bed take? ~ Pill-o's What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? ~ The Day-zzz What did the square say to the circle? ~ Been around long? What kind of hats do they wear at the North Pole? ~ Ice caps What did A and B look for at the beach? ~ A C gull Where does the dog hate to shop? ~ At the flea market Facebook Humor Impossibilities In The World You can't count your hair. You can't wash your eyes with soap. You can't breathe when your tongue is out. (Put your tongue back in fool) 10 Things I Know About You 1 You are reading this. 2 You are human. 3 You can't say the letter P without separating your lips. 4 You just attempted to do it. 6 You are laughing at yourself. 7 You have a smile on your face and you skipped #5. 8 You just checked to see if there was a #5. 9 You laugh because you are an idiot and everyone does it too. 10 You are probably going to send this to see who falls for it. Misc Funny Facebook Quotes... Family and friends are like butt cheeks.. Shit may separate them but they always come back together. I like you because you join in on our weirdness. I don't always have loud sex with the neighbor cat but when I do it's outside your window at 3a. Don't you hate it when you can remember things from years ago but you can't remember what you went in the kitchen for? If you have no sense of humor then you have no sense at all. Let's take a moment and be thankful that spiders don't fly. I tried to see things your way but I couldn't get my head that far up my ass! Sorry about that. I speak sarcasm fluently. Do you need a translator? Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday. My house is not a mess it's just domestically challenged. Its ok if you don't like my personality. I've got several others. This is not a bakery. I don't sugar coat anything. If you ask for my opinion that's what you'll get. Don't be mad if it's not what you want to hear. When I am stressed I have an eating disorder. I eat dis order of fries, dis order of chicken, dis order of pizza.. You get my point. I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure the kids took it. Remember to harm none!!!! Click for the Site Index